Conflict Is Growth Trying to Happen

Austin Weber
Apr 22
4 min read

"Conflict is growth trying to happen."

It's a simple statement, but most of us were never taught how to understand it, let alone live it.

What We Learned About Conflict (Without Realizing It)

Growing up, we weren't taught how to navigate conflict in a healthy way. Instead, we absorbed it.

We watched:

Parents fight or shut down
Avoidance and silence
Triangulation and blame
Distraction instead of repair
Or we became the target of projection

Those early experiences didn't just shape our childhood. They became the blueprint for how we show up in relationships today.

We learn math equations, memorize facts about rocks, and master grammar. But no one teaches us how to communicate, how to repair, or how to stay connected in conflict.

So we grow up, enter relationships, and try to figure it out in real time.

Why Conflict Feels So Hard

After working with individuals, couples, and families, one truth shows up again and again:

Most people don't know how to do conflict.

Instead, we recreate what we experienced growing up.

Couples often find themselves stuck in cycles that feel confusing and overwhelming, like being pulled into something automatic, almost a reflex. They don't know why it keeps happening. They just know:

"You don't listen."
"You don't hear me."
"If you would just understand, this wouldn't be a problem."

Underneath it all, both people are trying to be seen, heard, and valued. It just comes out as blame, defensiveness, or withdrawal.

The Imago Perspective: The Spiral Experience

In Imago Relationship Therapy, we talk about the "Spiral Experience."

The idea is this:

Conflict isn't the problem. It's an opportunity.

Conflict is where old wounds, unmet needs, and unconscious patterns rise to the surface. Not to destroy the relationship, but to heal and grow it.

That only happens if we approach it differently.

From Reactivity to Growth

Most couples approach conflict in one of two ways:

Cage fighting (attack, defend, win)
Courtroom debating (prove your case, make your partner wrong)

Neither leads to growth. Both lead to disconnection.

When we're operating from our childhood adaptations, conflict becomes:

Me vs. You

Not:

Us vs. the problem

Why This Happens

As children, we develop adaptations to survive emotionally. Ways of coping that helped us then but often hurt us now.

So when conflict arises, those old patterns take over:

We defend
We shut down
We criticize
We try to control or be "right"

Not because we're bad partners. Because we're protecting old wounds.

A Different Way Forward

Imago offers a different path.

Instead of reactivity, it introduces:

Safety. Slowing the conversation down.
Structure. Using intentional dialogue.
Curiosity. Seeking to understand, not win.
Teamwork. Shifting from "me vs. you" to "us."

It moves couples out of monologues and into dialogue, out of blame and into understanding, out of survival and into connection.

What If Conflict Isn't the Enemy?

What if conflict isn't something to avoid, but something to lean into with the right tools?

What if every argument held a doorway into deeper connection, healing, and growth?

Because that's what conflict really is: growth trying to happen.

The question: are we willing to meet it differently?

A Simple Practice to Rebuild Connection

There's a simple, structured way to reconnect with your partner. One that shifts communication away from criticism and toward appreciation, curiosity, and intentional growth.

It's called a Relational Repair Ritual (Imago Weekly Union).

Step 1: Schedule It

Set a weekly time with your partner. Treat it like an important appointment, because it is.

Step 2: Take Turns (Sender & Receiver)

One partner shares (Sender), while the other listens and mirrors back (Receiver). Then you switch roles.

Step 3: The Structure

When you are the Sender, share:

3 Appreciations about your partner this week.
- Receiver mirrors the appreciation one at a time.
- "What I heard you say… Am I with you… Is there more?"
3 Appreciations about yourself this week.
- Receiver mirrors the appreciation one at a time.
- "What I heard you say… Am I with you… Is there more?"
3 Experiments (or technical suggestions) you'd like to try in the relationship over the next week.
- Example: "An experiment I want to try this week is to put our phones in another room and have a conversation."
- This is not criticism or a time to blame one another.
- You are communicating your frustration in a positive way that offers an experiment you and your partner can try the upcoming week.

These "experiments" are not criticisms. They are invitations for growth, framed with care and intention.

Step 4: Close with Connection

At the end of the ritual:

Agree on one experiment to focus on together.
Schedule your next relational repair ritual.
Plan a date or connection time.
End with a hug and a kiss.

About the author

Austin Weber, LMFT, MFT-IT, LCDC, is the founder of Mental Health Counseling Group's Austin office at 5541 McNeil Drive. He is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an Imago-Trained Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT-IT), and a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor. His clinical work focuses on couples, Imago Relationship Therapy, and integrated addiction and mental health care.

Work with us

If the Imago Weekly Union ritual above resonates, and you want structured support in using dialogue to move conflict into connection, the Austin team at Mental Health Counseling Group works directly in Imago Relationship Therapy and related couples approaches.

Couples counseling at MHC of Austin, including Imago Relationship Therapy with Austin Weber, LMFT, MFT-IT, LCDC
MHC of Austin, 5541 McNeil Dr, Austin, TX 78729. Phone (262) 354-4684. Email info@mhcaustin.com
Individual counseling and family counseling across Katy, Sugar Land, Fulshear, and Austin
Insurance and fees explains our private-pay and superbill model, and FAQ answers common questions about sessions, confidentiality, and scheduling

Ready to begin? Book a consultation online or call (262) 354-4684 to speak with our Austin team.