Have you ever had a conversation with your partner and walked away feeling misunderstood, unheard, or frustrated? It’s as if there’s an unsettling sensation in your body, a nagging feeling that nothing was truly resolved. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Many of us experience moments where we feel like we’ve just gone to court, received a verdict, and left feeling unheard rather than supported.
In these moments, our natural instinct is to find a way to be seen, heard, and validated. Without even realizing it, we often revert to behaviors we learned in childhood—our adaptations to getting our needs met. Some of us raise our voices, stomp our feet, or resort to sarcasm in an attempt to be noticed. Others shut down, withdraw, stonewall, or simply submit to avoid conflict. These reactions, though unconscious, are what I call “adult temper tantrums.” They aren’t intentional (at least, I hope not), but they stem from deeper emotional wounds and unmet needs.
At our core, we are all searching for connection and safety. When we don’t get it, we instinctively do whatever it takes to feel secure, even if it’s unhealthy or damaging to our relationships. But what if I told you there’s a simple yet transformative way to create connection, safety, and healthy communication? It’s called mirroring—and once you master it, it will change your relationship.
What Is Mirroring?
Mirroring is a structured way of communicating that ensures both partners feel heard and validated. Instead of reacting, interrupting, or defending, one person speaks while the other listens, reflects, and checks for understanding. Then, they switch roles.
The process is simple:
Repeat back what you heard – “What I heard you say is…”
Check for accuracy – “Did I get that or Am I with you?”
Invite more sharing – “Is there more?”
That’s it! No fixing, no problem-solving, no dismissing—just listening and reflecting. It may feel awkward at first, but mirroring creates an emotional safety net, allowing both partners to feel truly seen and understood. Remember to take turns and be intentional about it, always get permission to mirror and have an intentional conversation.
The Key to Success: Remove Negativity
Here’s the catch: you must remove all negativity from the conversation.
That means no criticism, no blame, no defensiveness, and no stonewalling. The goal isn’t to argue or debate but to listen and validate. We are not two lawyers arguing our points. We are on the same team with a common vision.
If you’re skeptical, I challenge you to test it out. Have a simple conversation—maybe about the dishes or weekend plans—and take turns mirroring. You might be surprised by how much more connected you feel.
Want to Go Deeper?
If you’re intrigued by mirroring and want to explore it further, I highly recommend reading Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
You can also find an Imago Relationship Therapist or attend an Imago Couples Workshop called “Getting the Love You Want” to experience the power of mirroring in a structured setting.
Give it a try. The ability to truly hear and be heard is one of the most profound gifts you can bring to your relationship.
By: Austin Weber, LMFT-A, MFT-IT, LCDC
References:
Hendrix, H. (1992). The evolution of imago relationship therapy: A personal and professional journey. Journal of Imago Relationship Therapy, 1(1), 3-14.
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples (30th anniversary ed.). St. Martin’s Griffin.
Comments